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Text of the page (random words):
mer 2015 and he s willing to do the gestational carrier thing again and be a coparent if nothing else for a while he d been insisting even that was off the table and he wanted to destroy the embryos so that openness and willingness has warmed my heart and i even catch myself getting excited again which i kinda hate because we all know hope kinda sucks too comments 6 comments categories uncategorized gosh you so nice 17 01 2014 i shouldn t ever be surprised any more at how nice and generous and kind the infertility community is heartbreaking when you not only wish your body worked for yourself but also so you could help someone else and so many lovely ladies have written telling me they would gc for me if only they could and it means the world to me thank you so much one tiny peep of irritation so many people are pregnant people for whom i am deliriously happy like my friend katie who got prego on her third ivf and pam who had to go the de route and is 33 weeks and people i don t even know like every single frickin woman in the grocery store ever and in the elevator and the post office and and and that s okay rocky times at home arguments mostly my fault mostly having nothing to do with infertility super pressured at work lots of deaths in our family money issues i think we d divorce if we weren t so upside down on the house if it wouldn t upset his family if we hadn t already put in nine years and we d resent thinking it was a waste so not a good time to have a baby anyway he even says even if we don t get divorced we shouldn t have a baby so frustrating thanks for listening ladies comments 4 comments categories uncategorized soooo long time no see here s the update 8 01 2014 i got nothin for ya i m hoping we ll somehow luck into a gestational carrier that doesn t cost 60 80k i e one not a stranger through an agency we re happy to pay her and thank goodness texas is a very progressive state for gc arrangements but otherwise it s not happening we have two embryos left on ice i m 41 and there s nothing left to try to quell my insane inflammation besides ivig and that on top of the neupogen and everything else is just probably too expensive for too small a hope that it might work i d rather put them into a healthy uterus or maybe just be the cool aunt i m working my brain around that i love you thanks for reading comments 5 comments categories uncategorized lost it 8 09 2013 thursday beta 34 today s 9 comments 8 comments categories uncategorized uhhhhh i m pregnant 5 09 2013 uhhh so get this i turned 41 in august my immune panel just came back a week ago as horrible worst ever your body is a fiery inferno ready to incinerate embryos my cycles have been haywire since the miscarriage in may for whatever reason random out of the blue wild hair i just decided to take an opk the day i left to join my husband at his parents house it looked pretty close to positive the next day i did another opk and it looked positiveish so we did our business the next morning once in the fertile window if the opk was right i wasn t temping so no clue if i really ovulated i have a 10 day luteal period i lost track of the days because who the fuck cares when you know you can t get pregnant anyway last night was 11dpo no period so i had to actually renew my fertility friend membership so i could tell if i should be expecting it soon i m going to visit a friend next week and want to be prepared for af and yeah so what the hell i ll take a hpt why not i can handle yet another negative took one test poured out the pee freaked put two more tests in the tiny bit left in the cup then this morning i had a beta drawn at 8am and i ll update with results on dr braverman s orders i did 40 mg lovenox last night 20 mg prednisone this morning another lovenox this morning 2cc pio after my beta progesterone was drawn and i ll do another 20 mg prednisone tonight and if the beta is reasonable ivig asap edit beta 34 progesterone 2 8 another beta saturday not optimistic but that s crazy because wtf wtf wtf wtf of course i can t be pregnant and especially not stay pregnant comments 15 comments categories uncategorized ok new blood test results and maybe maybe hope 4 09 2013 so counseling is going well no firm answers or conclusions yet but we re making some progress and hubby has retrieved the ttc project from the back burner and proposed a fet in november to which end we plunked down another 500 or so for a new immune monitoring panel a la reprosource dr b and drumroll here s the results report spoiler alert it ain t good ok so all of your ic intracellular cytokine ratios are elevated greater than the 90 th percentile compared to all in our practice although you don t have a typical hla haplotype c w with an autoimmune etiology for this we did notice that you are homozygous for a rare hla b 51 and your husband even has a copy typically seen in the middle east turkey and associated with an autoimmune vasculitis we can t prove it but have to consider with the elevations in your levels that there is some autoimmune component regardless the treatment is still strictly anti inflammatory i e prednisone ivig and even yes humira your tnf levels are very high even in the serum of course we have to also go back to diet and cutting out gluten dairy products and i think going organic is important i know its extreme but patients with these levels are so sensitive to allergens i think the diet modification is important but i think treating and repeating testing before starting would be valuable with these levels see results below 8 22 13 ic ratios all ratios elevated most of them very elevated with the exception of tnf il 4 in cd8 and cd4 t cells and ifn il 4 in nk cells and even these are borderline elevated nka 50 1 6 6 low 25 1 3 9 low t rip nk cells elevated total nk cells cd3 56 elevated cd16 nk cells cd3 56 16 low cd16 nk cells cd3 56 16 nkt cells very elevated cd4 nkt cells cd3 4 8 56 low cd8 nkt cells cd3 4 8 56 low cd4 cd8 nkt cells cd3 4 8 56 t cells very elevated cd4 t cells cd3 4 very low cd8 t cells cd3 8 low activated t cells cd3 hla dr elevated tregs 6 6 b cells low cd5 b cells cd19 5 cbc low wbcs 3 9 serum cytokines significantly elevated g csf 877 8 elevated gm csf 53 5 significantly elevated tnfa 21 4 elevated ifny 52 1 elevated ip gamma induced protein 10 491 8 elevated il 1ra 263 0 elevated il 12 p70 form 27 7 elevated macrophage derived chemokine 2510 0 elevated vegf 1555 0 elevated ifna2 90 2 elevated fgf 2 629 1 elevated flt 3 122 9 elevated fractalkine 222 0 elevated mip1b 61 6 so shocker the cost of the estimated amount of ivig i ll need to get through first trimester assuming insurance won t cover and i pretty much guarantee it won t is about 16k oh and the humira hopefully i get nearly free from abbott labs because my insurance refuses to cover it and they consider me uninsured as a result second shocker a friend in my office who is 36 with a gorgeous 7 yr old son and no plans for another child has twice seriously offered to be a gestational surrogate for me asked dr b for what surrogacy would do for my odds given that i have two blasts an a and a c on ice and he said significantly better with a surrogate remember your levels are greater than the 90 th percentile for patients in my practice i did not compare you to the population as a whole and my practice is already dealing with high cytokine patients she s talking to her husband tonight i will talk to mine if not tonight then soon comments 1 comment categories uncategorized uteryou suck 8 07 2013 in the last three weeks my life with my husband has been turned upside down due to a perfect storm of factors stupid decisions on my part stupid decisions on the part of others innate and inherent characteristics and learned behaviors on my husband s part and on mine so we re back in therapy and the whole ttc kit and kaboodle has been thrown out the window for now at least and we went to a fourth of july bbq where every single freaking female of breeding age was pregnant hugely or nursing or chasing a toddler or all three at once ok maybe two of three or was a lesbian cuddling indulgently with her honey except me ok i actually was cuddling cutely with my nonlesbian honey because no matter how mad we get at each other we manage to forget and fall back into our habits of being cute most of the time therapy session 2 is tonight and just for grins i filled out the form at california conceptions for the whole embryo adoption gig even though i know my husband is 110 dead set against anything like that the reason i want to have a child is to see what you plus me equals i don t care about what someone else plus someone else makes i don t know if this means i would ever create a forced choice like i m gonna get me an embryo and you can like it or lump it or if i m just sad and wishing i were pregnant i mean shit even my infertile bestie in seattle is now pregnant and having morning sickness with her donor egg baby don t get me wrong i m pleased and relieved and worried and happy all for her i wouldn t want it any other way but for real sigh i haven t any idea where i am in my cycle not that it matters chances of us doing the business are zeeeeee roh and if we did a million times it still wouldn t work and why bother with embryo donation because i d still burn that embryo to a crisp in the fiery immunological furnace that is my uterus there is no us in uterus my uterus is fully on its own it s off the reservation it should be uteryou as in uteryou suck comments 3 comments categories uncategorized much belated update 7 06 2013 it s really painful to check in here on my blog reader and see how many infertiles are pregnant or have a newborn or two painful and annoying just like coming in to work and having everyone be pregnant or returning from maternity leave ok fine not everyone but at least 3 women out of an office of 40 where is some of that water so i can have some i met with dr braverman in ny in mid may the short version is i don t know very much about whatever is wrong with me and dr b has some ideas but needs to do more research and reading we don t have a plan in mind for next steps although i did get two more pricey tests run by reprosource and right now we re just kind of in limbo waiting on results the problem is i have only two blasts left if i had ten we could kind of tinker with things but at best i have two transfers left so frankly i ve kind of checked out i m pissed at the whole deal i mean seriously what the fuck i may not have done everything right in my life i may have made stupid choices and made stupid mistakes but i have not been a bad person and in all other arenas there wasn t anything i couldn t accomplish given enough hard work and determination on my part so really life why i did my best i found the best doctor and what the fuck i guess you could say i m already starting the process of wrapping my brain around childlessness the transition from childish to childless is much quicker than you might imagine i ll let you know when i get the next results and what dr b says comments 7 comments categories uncategorized yeah so about that whole pregnancy thing 7 05 2013 this was my first transfer ever i d done the one egg retrieval at sher s in vegas and made no blasts two ers with dr b 4 blasts all frozen because we had to get my cytokines down to hope for a safe transfer anyway my first beta was on may 1 eight days after the fet on april 23 i ve lost track of how many days old those blasts were either 5 or 6 but the late a one was hatching after the thaw and the early b was still dividing and differentiating between the lump that would become a baby and the surrounding layer that would be a placenta that beta was 371 and on thursday may 2 dr braverman called to tell me i was pregnant that even though i was doing biweekly hcg boosters 5000 units each this number was sufficiently high to be definitely pregnant all good second beta on may 3 he emailed me on saturday because the lab still hadn t gotten him the results and after some scurrying they had a bad fax he emailed to tell me there were problems the beta was only 128 this was problematic of course but he wondered if the first beta was somehow unusually high because of the booster and my friend l___ suggested maybe i had two embryos implant and then one died so i was upset but trying to hang on and be hopeful the third beta monday yesterday may 6 would be crucial if it went back up good and if not bad so yeah about that whole pregnancy thing yesterday s beta was only 101 definitely a chemical dr b told me to stop taking all my meds and i ll get another beta friday to follow it down to zero i d already redrawn blood for a massive panel of some old some new immune tests last week wednesday so i ll be seeing dr b in ny on the 18th to go over the results in person and figure out a few things was there some new change in my immune status which would be fixable leading up to another fet if not that kind of makes me think it was a chromosomal thing we have two frozen blasts left an early c c for crud and an early a for almost enough to make me excited so one more shot basically and i m so freaking happy we didn t take dr b s advice and put all four back at once although dr b pre fet told me that i was on maximal immune therapy i m thinking there was enough time since my last humira dose february that maybe the tnf ifn went back up or something to me right now the lesson learned is retest the immunes before the next fet like closely before like a minimal number of weeks before to have the results but maximize their freshness and relevancy anyway cried on the sofa last night and then killed a few innocent pieces of pizza one more chance folks sigh comments 8 comments categories uncategorized not so fast 6 05 2013 chemical crap comments 3 comments categories uncategorized previous entries recent posts quicky gosh you so nice soooo long time no see here s the update lost it uhhhhh i m pregnant archives february 2014 1 january 2014 2 september 2013 3 july 2013 1 june 2013 1 may 2013 3 april 2013 1 march 2013 2 february 2013 5 january 2013 7 december 2012 7 november 2012 9 october 2012 28 september 2012 23 blogs i follow wild prairie silver ourlastembryo s blog the jiu jitsu vortex everyday mom style wishfulbabybump reprorenegade conceivable solutions american african hairstyle conceptionchronicles 2 lovebirds 1 more please my preconceived life fertility and sterility eletters to the editor the joy of an embryo sitter hyperbole and a half two good eggs infertilit he hopefulandhungry scrambled eggs journey to the finish line the knocked up hopeful kit and kabooble baby steps to balance these rotten eggs spite or flight why can t we do this the easy way thought provoking moments ladyblogalot com the quest to be a mom helpful links betabase charts and calculators for beta hcg numbers fertility lab insider great writing by a phd embryologist the insider sco...