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a friend opens in new window email like loading dealing with infertility 2 comments mar 12 fading hope by izzy you know that point in your cycle when you start to feel normal and that normal completely freaks you out because your normal is the last thing you want yet again who wants to feel normal honestly we want to feel pregnant with child in the family way the bun in the oven not normal normal is an extended four letter word well i started to feel that on sunday and it has increased with every hour of every day since my normal pms consists of crying continually at nothing shooting pains in the netherworld and extreme exhaustion i would include swelling in that list but thanks to all the hormones i popped out of my jeans a week into injections and my bra two days after the transfer in my freak out of the norm i confided in a cousin and a sister in law not terribly surprised that they both said that s exactly how they felt while prego great i wanted to argue that this is different because i can feel that damn aunt flo is lurking around the corner but i was too tired to argue i appreciate the encouragement but it s not helping those sweet encouraging words felt like an uplift for a huge downfall more than anything else is it that freakish if self preservation telling me in that dark whisper you re not pregnant or is it mother nature doing her thing and me being smart enough to know what she is saying every time i have to hit the ladies room i start to panic anticipating what would signify the loss of my babies i find i m pleading with god to let me babies grow and live in me with some naive notion that there s still hope so many questions fill my head when is it too late for implantation what could i do to make af stay away from me when did i lose my babies why did i lose my babies did my re do enough did i do enough since i had 11 eggs 8 fertilized and 2 viable for transfer is it worth another shot another shot since i m sure i m not pregnant where would we go for the cycle since my hubbs and i are living in two states 1500 miles apart and i m terrified i m going to have to make the call before my thursday pt appointment the call to tell the nurse i m bleeding and is there any reason for more blood work ugh ugh and triple ugh ttfn a pitiful and sad izzy share this email a link to a friend opens in new window email like loading dealing with infertility leave a comment mar 7 embracing the two week wait by izzy being no stranger to the dreaded dun dun dunnnnn 2ww i have been anticipating this time for quite a while i expected this 2ww to be worse than any other since it is my first with an ivf cycle maybe i thought it would be worse because so much more went in to this cycle more money more emotion more hormonal craziness more needles more time more calendared efforts more knowledge that i m nearing the end of my biological time clock time on the ride i like the majority of if s spend the 2ww busying myself with work cleaning exercise reading not googling chatting visiting texting talking on the tele checking the calendar every 45 minutes and whatever i could come up with to keep my mind busy and not obsessing over the impending date a mere 14 13 12 11 days away no matter how i occupied my time my nerves were on constant overload with the big maybe looming over head this wait is different the time frame is the same but this time i ve decided to embrace the wait i figure i can eithe r be a complete frantic wreck on a wreck my normal 2ww state of being or frolic in the joy of what i know to be a truth truth being that i have empirical proof of life which means there are two little living growing organisms inside of me regardless of what happens in the next seven days or nine months right now they are here with me and they are adored and wanted babies in my once vacant womb it s actually quite simple and so very calming i talk to them yes that might borderline on loco often throughout the day i keep my little prayer candles lit for them i have one of their pictures next to a beautiful bouquet of daisies from my hubbs when i look at his picture i smile a deep warm smile that certainly must originate in my soul i m eating for the boys now nothing jessica simpson crazy but i generally don t eat enough so i m making sure i eat 3 squares a day with plenty of protein and veggies life is very peaceful oddly peaceful time and i m so very thankful for this experience not the ivf experience but the chance to experience this joy in life i had a similar experience two years ago when had a pregnancy with an iui i had home tested and was pregnant for only a few days before i lost it should these boys continue to grow and say hello in nine months i will be thrilled to know the start of their life was nurturing and warm not frantic and anxiety ridden should the good lord decide for those tiny souls to join him and not say hello to me well then it will be nice to know what precious little time we had together in this 2 week wait i gave them love and every bit of my joy ttfn izzy share this email a link to a friend opens in new window email like loading dealing with infertility leave a comment mar 3 the big day ivf by izzy the big day was saturday as it turned out out of the eight embryos we had two viable for transfer now even though i have said all along that i realized all eight might not make it i was a bit shocked to hear only two were good there was an if euphoric belief dancing thru my head that there would be a plethora of embryos to freeze for a perimenopause rainy day but dumb luck and good fortune being what it is both lil blastocysts are male which is what we were hoping to have so yeaaaahhhhhhh now for the dreaded 2ww here s to keeping peaceful sanity share this email a link to a friend opens in new window email like loading dealing with infertility leave a comment feb 27 my whirlwind ivf cycle by izzy i had this great witty little ditty i was working on for my first sono bw seeing as how it was valentine s day and my husband was out of town it was easy to make the start of the cycle funny boy oh boy did things take a turn from funny my valentine s sono showed two large cysts on the right side so we may be screwed this cycle did ever mention peri menopause time is critical after work i went home with a massive migraine which i ve been accustomed to since childhood if i m actually laid up you can bet it is a doozy so my romantic dinner and chocolates consisted of coco crispies with skim milk see funny ish sometime around 9 pm the doorbell rings and i get a dozen red roses that looked like they had been used to beat the neighborhood cats off the trashcan it s totally the thought that counts and we are currently residing in the south texas ghetto so i was thrilled with what i got and happy that my hubbs remembered friday following valentine s day i awoke feeling the dreaded migraine hangover but padded off to work like the good little worker bee i am oh and this was day one for lupron injections by 2 30 i was out the door trying to get home before the stars and hurling started barely made it but made it i did i had plans to head to my folks after work but that had to be cancelled for obvious reasons saturday rolled around and ugh still with the migraine lupron day 2 gonal f menopure day 1 at this point i said to heck with taking only if approved drugs and i hit the excedrin migraine afrin and aleve sinus with a vengeance by noon the spots and dizziness had subsided and i had this urge need if you will to pack up me and my 16 year old chihuahua rat terrier and face the three road hours to houston where my folks live i would have been happy to stay on the sofa but that little voice in me literally screamed go so i went my sister and her husband came over and after dinner my mom says well now that dinner is over to which i said oh t as my sis and i looked toward my pop who is a two time cancer survivor non hodgkin s lymphoma and prostate mom says it s not dad what the what it s her hello uterine cancer let s fast track to surgery the next friday ugh mom has a consultation monday to receive pet scan results which should determine if there is more to it that uterine cancer sunday i drive back to the south texas ghetto mom calls and her appointment is rescheduled to tuesday due to a lab delay tuesday is my second sono bw cysts are still there but haven t grown and it looks like i have about five descent follicles ok five is better than none which is what i was half expecting mom calls and three professionals at her consultation with md anderson asked if she had a heart attack seriously so they sent her for a rigorous stress test before they would do the surgery heart is good to surgery we go thursday after my hour drive to san antonio for sono bw i load back up and head back to houston the four hour surgery turned into six hours due to how many lymph nodes had to be removed which was determined by the size of the tumor yuck i stayed after the surgery until i got to see mom waking up so i left md anderson at 8 pm drove to the folks house loaded my dog and my few belongings and headed west got home about midnight ugh saturday at my 7 30am sono bw i had the crummy news of yay you have two good follies two two two is not good in the odds bank ever but with my new found state of peri crapit sover two is even worse ok deep breath mom is doing very well and we at least have two and i had to give myself the trigger a double dose of trigger to hopefully release the eggs better easier i sat on an ice bag from 11 45 till midnight when it was time to deliver i rocked it yeah that huge needle in my bum was daunting but i dang did it and i didn t even yelp woohoo sunday the hubbs flies in from pittsburgh did i mention that he s been three weeks at a new job way the heck in pittsburgh probably just as well i really didn t like him during the first ivf cycle i didn t really like anyone actually so it s better my dog and i were alone in the house trekking off to san antonio we go at 6 30 monday morning since we live so far out my husband had to make his deposit at the facility sorry hubbs but you re on your own this time buddy i was way too stressed already to go in that sterile little room in the hallway and lend a hand so to speak i get in my gown and yep it all hit me at once the travel the cancer moms surgery the two pitiful follies the drugs the fear the despair the everything and i lost it couldn t stop crying while the poor sweet nurse was trying to start my i v the anesthesiologist was so very kind and knocked me out as fast as he could not sure if that was for my benefit my hubbs or his now that i think about it i thought i was dreaming when the nurse said 11 eggs were easily retrieved 11 from me saturday i had two with some smaller ones they didn t really count or think would make 11 11 holy smacks so tuesday i am of course dreading the call sorry mrs carter but like before none fertilized but i did not get that call i got the call that said i had eight little sprouts from my 11 eggs it s all so surreal even today now i do realize that i might not end up with any to transfer and it s all still very fragile but right now there are eight little sprouts from me and my hubbs something i feared never possible so you can see why i haven t posted anything till now regarding my cycle it has been a huge whirlwind so far let s pray it s not over ttfn izzy share this email a link to a friend opens in new window email like loading dealing with infertility 4 comments feb 12 a sign by izzy i m not a sign person never have been i m more of a serendipitous thinker to a short extent it s not that i m oblivious to signs it s more that i don t see the world in a structure that allows for signs or false hope some say it s a sign from the universe or mother nature that i ve managed to take out 20 something birds in the last year and a half while driving down the road i tend to think i am unfortunate to cross paths with a lot of fowl who are either extremely exhausted and can fly no higher or they re just terribly unobservant either way i don t put much thought in it granted that s a lot of birds up in my grille as the majority of society my cuz and i text frequently send funny pictures share secrets and send pictures of various items we think are nifty or that we really want a few days ago she texts a link to a jewelry site to show me a necklace she wants it was a lovely bluebird on a silver chain with one simple dangling pearl http www thevintagepearl com products carefree_p366 i love blue birds as they remind me of my gramma she loved birds but especially those she always referred to as the bluebird of happiness a little late evening serendipity brought a smile to my face i thought i clicked on the tab entitled vintage and this is what pops up now for the record izzy is not my given name as i have chosen the path of blogger anonymity but my last name is in fact carter and i looooooove pearls hello i didn t think too much of this other than ugh i want to cry until i texted the picture to a girlfriend her response stfd it s a sign woohoo and you wear pearls so well yeah hmm me wow i didn t take it as a sign i just kinda went blank then wanted to cry her that necklace is so you i think it s a sign your name baby prints a pearl your fav hmm idk but don t stress let god work his magic ok really so i go back to the vintage pearl several times and never again is that the first picture to pop up under vintage every time i go there the picture is a necklace with a pearl and the baby feet no name and no other picture and now i want it to be a sign and i want to order that necklace knowing there s a baby on the way ugh do you believe in signs read the rest of this entry share this email a link to a friend opens in new window email like loading dealing with infertility 2 comments feb 10 the mom factor by izzy i don t feel like i ve slighted myself any by staying away from the big g i m doing just fine not searching myself off the crazy train and into the looney bin and besides there s no reason for me to hunt up cures statistics and hope when i have the mom factor oh yes mom is on the hunt vitamins and minerals and diets oh my said like dorothy in oz i thought doing the searching was exhausting until mom got on the hunt the woman should have a degree in research analysis she s a stinking machine maybe she is just crazy smarter than me or maybe my if brain went into mid hyperspace shutdown two years ago but she will find multiple sources of the same basic data compare and contrast discover the most reliable sources put the not so reputable sources on the back burner bucket spit out the whose whys and hows of what i should try after numerous novel length text messages and hour long phone conversations that all left my head spinning i had to tell her to go buy what she thinks i need and i will take it it was too much i could take no more i m sadly past the point of beli...