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as honest and open and being seen as the insane harbinger of doom i lead a double life more often now i am the me that was before baby death the me that people want to see but i am also the mother of a baby that died inside me i felt her dying although i did not know at the time when i talk about labour i feel i have to say despite knowing the sad outcome blah blah blah rather than just relaying my experiences i cry when i read about other losses i cry when i read about a baby stillborn i cry when i read about a 3 year old that has drowned and i don t mean i just shed a tear i sob wail the pain bubbles up from my inner soul and i can t control it in some ways i feel it has made me a better person in the sense that i truly can empathise with parents going through a loss no one will ever understand appreciate or vocalise the raw dark physical pain that engulfs your entire being after losing a baby unless you are a member of this dark club posted by amy at sunday january 22 2012 2 comments tuesday 6 september 2011 autumn it has been a long long time since i last blogged i think if i am honest i have completely exhausted all my sadness or maybe it is that i am completely exhausted these days by the time i have finished at work prepared for the next day done bedtime made tea washed up and sat down it is normally about 9 and then my eyelids are drooping and i can t really think rationally other than to flit about on facebook and write perhaps a frothy status update to keep everyone happy in england the summer is bowing out and the low sun beamed days of autumn are slipping in it will be two years this month since i bore my little lucy so silently into the world more and more these days she is becoming a distant memory a dusty photo on the mantle piece less and less i look at her pictures this isn t to say i am forgetting her i think of her every day in fact her presence in my mind makes me so more emotional and i feel more empathy towards others where before i could not picture or imagine a tangible grief other than that s sad i now find stories on the news or read or told by friends move me to tears and not just a silent trickle but more often a heavy sobbing as i feel the heaviness inside their heart i feel i keep a tight lid on my emotions relating to her these days but then i will hear such awful stories as the ones i am hearing at the minute on the anniversary of 9 11 and it opens pandoras box a torrent of grief pours out for me for lucy for all of you who have experienced loss grief pain death i continue to miss what she would have been what her personality would have been like if i am honest i am constantly tormented about her death she was so helpless how can she have faced the enormity of death on her own without me to protect her if i let these thoughts take hold like they threaten to then i would be a dysfunctional mess georgia keeps me sane the gorgeous monotony of every day living keeps me sane and keeping that lid tightly shut keeps me sane i seem over it but my god i am so far from that i feel like this is the only place i can be honest these days as people get worried if i ever dare to show these continuing feelings in public i think i may write more as the anniversary approaches as for some reason i feel more sad about this second one i don t know why and to finish my brief post a song by one of my fave artists just currently making his rise to fame the lyrics are beautiful and are about his friend that lost her baby at five months i think we can all relate to the promises and unspoken sadness in the music small bump ed sheeran you were just a small bump unborn for four months then brought to life you might be left with my hair but you ll have your mother s eyes oh i ll hold your body in my hands be as gentle as i can but for now you re a scan of my unmade plans a small bump in four months you ll open your eyes and i ll hold you tightly i ll give you nothing but truth if you re not inside me i ll put my future in you cause you are my one and only you can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight oh you are my one and only you can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight and you ll be alright oh you re just a small bump unknown you ll grow into your skin with a smile like hers and a dimple beneath your chin finger nails the size of a half grain of rice and eyelids closed to be soon opened wide a small bump in four months you ll open your eyes i ll hold you tightly i ll give you nothing but truth if you re not inside me i ll put my future in you cause you are my one and only you can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight oh you are my one and only you can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight and you ll be alright and you can lie with me with your tiny feet when you re half asleep i ll leave you be right in front of me for a couple weeks so i can keep you safe cause you are my one and only you can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight oh you are my one and only you can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight and you ll be alright cause you were just a small bump unborn for four months then torn from life and maybe you were needed up there but we re still unaware as why posted by amy at tuesday september 06 2011 no comments sunday 1 may 2011 lost myself so i started to write another post but it actually became so self centred that i was ashamed to post it this blog has always been about my dead and my living daughters and that s the way i like it i may post the other entry one fine day but until then it can rest in the computer generated crypts i love being a mum i never thought i would get here and here i am i am doing things i never knew were possible i hold my sweet baby close to me and kiss her head and smell the milky sweet talcum powdered stench and it makes my soul glad i have finally slipped into that feeling of complete unconditional love she is amazing and her little soul is beautiful and makes my heart leap and sing and i cannot be thankful enough and then at the same time i have this incredible guilt i am guilty for not thinking about lucy enough i feel i am forgetting her some days most days in fact i forget the terrible traumatic thing that preceded georgia s birth and other days it is all i can think about i miss my dead daughter so much and that is strange because i never even knew her but i miss the personality she would have been and i can t help but be saddened at the waste of life i am thankful for having a beautiful daughter in my arms that i can hold and kiss and i am sad but thankful that i had the chance to hold and meet my sleeping daughter lucy she has taught me so much and i hope that one sweet day we will hold each other again posted by amy at sunday may 01 2011 1 comment friday 25 march 2011 please say a prayer a fellow babyloss mama has been hit by another tragedy she lost her son at 40 weeks in july 2009 she married her sweetheart her sons daddy in september 2009 and her sweetheart has just been killed in afghanistan 6 days before he was due to come home to her i have spent the last 2 days trying to make sense of this loss and i can t so please hug your loved ones a little tighter tonight and say a prayer for leanne mark and archie i pray she finds the strength to carry on without her two boys and that her future holds nothing but happiness as her present is too dark to even contemplate posted by amy at friday march 25 2011 7 comments older posts home subscribe to posts atom followers about me 31 years old gin drinker disorganised mother married to my soulmate for 6 years after several early miscarriages i gave birth to my first child a daughter lucy at 37 weeks gestation on 24 09 09 our pregnancy was textbook however her birth was not lucy was stillborn in october 2010 our little rainbow georgia was born and she was followed soon after in 2012 by the girls wee brother alfie rainbows have filled us with love and hope but our hearts still ache for our first born little girl our darling baby girl my tattoo for lucy her big but tiny feet so perfect lucy at 21 weeks blog archive 2013 2 april 2 autumn again the publishing of an unpublished post leaving this blog 2012 2 april 1 january 1 2011 10 september 1 may 1 march 2 february 4 january 2 2010 30 october 4 september 4 august 1 july 1 june 2 may 4 april 4 march 2 february 2 january 6 2009 17 december 1 november 3 october 13 my blog list a piece of the pearsons when did christmas become so sad feeling a wave of emotions around me and i find myself here again this space where i once emptied my deepest darkest most painful moments for my 9 months ago the beauty of sufficient grace sgm visits the alpha sigma phi fraternity house the first time i spoke to the gentleman from alpha sigma phi i wondered how they would respond i walked into the room filled with college boys wea 4 years ago looking for blue sky eleven happy birthday sweet boy look for our balloons 7 years ago born still but still born i feel like i should post something it has been over 3 years since my last post i leave the blog up because in case someone stumbles here through a searc 8 years ago between the snow and the huge roses books i have been reading a book one of the characters gives birth to a baby a baby that everyone believes is a dream as the mother is older and her pregnancy 10 years ago nicholas touch strength and my why i have been led on a different path the past several months a more positive path a more productive path a more energetic path a path that finally f 10 years ago mumblings from troy ohio september 21st today s lunch chicken noodle soup waffles ham cheese sandwich bicolored grapes chobani yogurt advobar water 11 years ago make a name request into the storm 2014 free streaming into the storm in best video formatnow you can enjoy into the storm in hd format with duration 89 min and was released on 2014 08 08 with m 11 years ago meet you at the sunset jual pasir silika lampung jual pasir silika bangka jual pasir silika lampung jual pasir silika bangka image jual pasir silika lampung jual pasir silika bangka visit our website www pasirsilika c 11 years ago tuesday s hope six on a tuesday if there is one game i love to hate to play at this time of year it s the what was i doing on this day game friday august 15 2008 the day i was sent 12 years ago still life with circles right where i am five years and almost seven months a few years ago i launched a project called right where i am where i asked other babylost parents to write about right where they were in their grief and 12 years ago inanna journey return to zero i sat down to watch return to zero with my husband the first lifetime movie in history i think he s ever been willing to watch with me because this one i 12 years ago caring for carleigh return to zero this amazing movie about stillbirth premiered last night on lifetime it was the first global premiere of a movie on lifetime and i m so glad it was a mo 12 years ago stepping stones a path to healing after the loss of a child community gathering sweet pea lancaster pa if you are anywhere near lancaster pa this is going to be an amazing event to celebrate the launch of the new book to linger on hot coals the notice i r 12 years ago the happy sad mama charlotte came to alberta once when i was first pregnant greg s dad was turning sixty and they had a huge party for him we brought our little presents 13 years ago this is my pace i need your help return to zero friends i am asking a special request there is a new movie that has been created starring minnie driver and paul adelstein that is based 13 years ago a mending heart again happy would be birthday another year gone by another year left wondering i want a daughter to play dress up with watch princess movies put hair in braids for school buy her f 13 years ago it only hurts when i breathe pregnancy and all its horrors this time around this post contains talk about my current pregnancy i have no intention of turning this into a rainbow baby blog but there are just some things i nee 13 years ago little birdie little bunny 6 around the sun on the eve of the 6th revolution around the sun thoughts are all about her bones i have a beautiful urn full of them a small vile full of them an ev 13 years ago the dead baby club celebrating pregnancy again a book celebrating pregnancy again a book this is a link to a new book about pregnancy after a loss the book is about her personal journey it is available f 13 years ago living without sophia and ellie happy 3rd birthday sophia and ellie today is a very special day i d like to invite you all to celebrate sophia and ellie s birthday with me i m guest posting over at small bird studio and 14 years ago the biggest loss baby footprints bodhi and i are signed up for a baby art class we haven t done anything really since he was born that involved being in close proximity of other children 14 years ago this aint no dress rehearsal 2 years since i can t believe it it was two years ago tonight that it all started to go wrong kherrington hadn t moved all day so off to the hospital we went where t 14 years ago missing mackenzie scentsy for sahm dreams so i know i ve been totally mia but it s definitely crazy around here my mom has been watching my rainbow baby paisley and recently decided that she cann 14 years ago letters to my lost son we think about you every day and we miss you dearly your little body lies decaying in the damp earth in a cardboard box that i soaked with tears bu 14 years ago graceful willows 8 12 11 it s been over a year since my last post not because i ve spent the last year with nothing on my mind or my grief is over that s definatley not the case 15 years ago life in love trying every tuesday my therapist asks me what kind of week have you had elesha tomorrow i seriously don t know what my answer will be it s definitely been a 15 years ago my forever family giveaway winners and my 100th post i have been meaning to do this post for a few months now but have been in a bit of a funk i don t even really know why the only thing i can think of is t 15 years ago life without clarence hello out there hi i haven t been around much two kids have me pretty busy i ve been thinking about clarence a lot lately though not that i ever don t think of him 15 years ago my baby butterfly ella made with love bryston carston micheal layla jakin ella grace march 4 2010 jett january 10 2009 eli january 10 2009 skylar orr august 27 2009 jocelyn 15 years ago mind full minnesota mom pampers village connect with real parents like you on pampers village you can share tips support and experiences with real parents like you you ll discover more about parenthood through articles video 15 years ago too beautiful for this earth one yesterday was isla s first birthday the morning paper read johnston isla michaela in loving memory of our beautiful baby girl born into heaven on 16 years ago little dale iii...