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happiness i m thinking of you all as another holiday approaches especially those of you facing another milestone without the dear child you re so lonigng for may this be your very last at 5 37 pm 9 comments labels pregnancy 2 friday november 21 2008 i m not dead just a bad blogger so i bet you all have wondered what planet i fell off of believe me i have been incredibly busy but this blogging as the pregnancy progresses contains a huge amount of guilt for me i guess because i had such a hard time reading about most others successes that i know were i in the shoes of some of you waiting to cycle after a failed cycle lost babies bad cycles taking a break ttc naturally for a while reading a blog like mine would just hurt and all our you have helped me so much and been such a support that the last thing i desire is to cause someone pain by visiting here but i am living the dream this is what we re all praying hoping dreaming striving for is it not we all desire a pregnancy with a live baby at the end of it first of all sometimes that door closes and we pursue other options but i guess i want to be honest and my living truth is that the pain and money and time and negative after negative are so worth it when you re this close i am just now 8 months pregnant 31 weeks this baby girl kicks and moves and hiccups and plays games with her daddy he will poke at her and she will kick back it s very intentional when she chooses to play that game my husband has only been home a little over 2 weeks from our 71 day deployment and i have been in heaven with him here again the very first night back baby girl very obligingly moved underneath his hands and he was enamored with her he loved my new pregnant shape and was amazed at how active this baby is when he left she was so tiny only i got to feel her little flutters seeing his heart melt at her just now makes me that much more eager for her to come in person and me to be able to watch him with his long desired and much loved daughter the pregnancy goes well most days occasionally i have a day with tons of braxton hicks and round ligament pain and it is annoying if it coincides with a planned outing or shopping trip but i would put up with so much more plus all things considered i ve had so few problems this pregnancy and i ve mostly just had regular expected symptoms pregnancy you don t always feel beautiful and glowing and wonderful but feeling the baby move makes all that fade i love pregnancy for that one reason only it s this special connection only i share with her right now getting this far has done something to my mind though i no longer distrust my body for the first 28 weeks every pain and ache i was sure was a foreshadowing of something terrible and threatening to the baby then finally around week 28 29 i realized i trusted my body i did not think it was going to betray me or the baby and that it would keep nourishing her like it should and it would work like it should to bring her out at her time it was odd after 3 years of feeling like my body could only fail me to suddenly not distrust it and yet around that time frame i was sitting on the couch and i got a pain that was so reminiscent of a period cramping and with that simple pain that i haven t had since march before i started bcps for ivf 2 all the feelings of what a those cramps signify came in on me and for a minute i felt angry hurt bitter sad failure and dispair that feeling brought on the wave of emotions you get after ttc so long and getting repeated failure yet there i was with baby girl safe inside me free to realize those feelings did not relate to today but were stored up from the past but it made me wonder what kind of life lies ahead when my body starts to cycle again i don t know i can t figure that out i let my mind wander occasionally to what may happen or what or when we d choose to try with our two frozen embryos i can t even begin to figure that out and i shouldn t but i am aware in the back of my mind that trying again even with a precious baby girl in my life will probalby still involve emotional pain tempered with the beautiful joy of knowing we have succeeded once we have gotten what we prayed for and for that we will always always give thanks and remain humbly grateful for what we never though we d get infertility has changed me forever miscarriage changed me forever those scars are still there and always will be through they aren t as tender as they once were having a live baby will change me forever i can t be as hurt and negative as i once was i can only pray for all of you that in your lives whether you re pursuing art natural ttc adoption surrogacy donor embryos or peace with your life as a couple right now i pray your lives would be blessed with a child in the future and that the waiting time when it s over would hold no more power over you for sadness at 8 22 am 11 comments labels ivf 2 miscarriage pregnancy 2 thoughts monday september 8 2008 2 weeks down 8 to go thank you guys so much for the support about my husband being gone and for the kind words of thanks for what he does thank you also for the excitement over baby girl j and i were just never made for separations we don t do them well at all when we are together and he s home from work we just rarely spend time apart even if we re doing separate things maybe he s reading a magazine and i m writing a letter he wants me in the same room on the same couch preferrably long ago in the first months of our marriage i abandoned what i thought was a good use of my time getting laundry folded while he watched tv while i do that occasionally i try to keep it short because he would much rather me be snuggled right next to him that getting something done and my mom always taught us the importance of putting our husbands first over our own priorities when we go to bed at night we always curl up with just about every inch touching the other person and as we shift positions at night if we end up away from each other we at least leave our feet touching the other s or with our hands held together we hate not to have physical contact ever since being married ever single morning we ve showered together when possible we eat all dinners at the table together most breakfasts and occasionally lunches if he happens to be home he may only have a 6 hour day to work but sometimes he ll text me to meet him for lunch just so we don t have to be separated that long are you getting the picture we re still crazy love birds just as if we were newly in love it s the companionship the friendship the sharing every part of life together i could care less if his being gone means i have to do the yard ok j hired someone this time but i have in the past or finanaces or change my own flat so fine someone helped me there on friday i am very capable and not at all intimidated but it s being without this man who is my best friend and life partner in everything that s why i email ever day i send a personal letter every day and when we can webcam we will do it as many hours as his schedule allow we got 4 hours on sunday usually we get 2 every other day ah what bliss top that off with a last minute win in the panthers vs chargers game and it was a pretty swell day i went to see my soon to be brother in law graduate from army basic training on friday in ft benning 2 hrs from where i live i got the flat on the way home i was quite prepared to change it j having shown me twice how do to that but help came along so i just watched i hate every piece of clothing currently except long pretty dresses i hate that someone thought the bella band was a good idea i am just now getting uncomfy in my regular pants skirts and it feels much better to leave the top buttons unbuttoned yet the stupid bb doens t do squat in leaving you a nice smooth profile like i want sure it keeps your pants up but your options are then limited to very full babydoll shirts to cover the ugly waistline i want the pretty smooth belly people bleh i just don t fit maternity wear yet suggestions you re all the best at 9 25 am 10 comments labels deployment pregnancy 2 wednesday august 27 2008 what we re having that s right today at 18w2d we found out we will lord willing be welcoming a beautiful little girl into our lives in january a girl we are so happy so grateful so amazed i feel like it s something of a dream can this all be a reality someday it was so beautiful to see her on screen moving about cooperating perfectly we got this scheduled just 4 days before j was deploying and then afterward picked up a crib we d found at baby depot for a great deal the other day on the way home that we ve now put together our first baby purchase it was weird neither of us really had a feeling but we kept referring to the baby as a he i guess because my husband thinks boys should come first he s firstborn in his family my older sister is our firstborn so i naturally thought girl were pretty good too so while i really wanted to give him a son we are so thrilled to be welcoming a daughter i am all done with morning sickness whoo hoo and the nausea just comes and goes every now and then i can eat whatever i want that i did not develop an aversion to at my 16 week appointment they told me my hemoglobin had gotten worse from a 10 4 at 11 weeks to 9 3 at 16 weeks they told me to really try hard to research and eat iron rich foods i d been on an iron rx since 11 weeks i hadn t felt any symptoms of anemia but then at 18 weeks it just hit rolling over on the couch at night seemed like too much effort unfortunately decreased appetite is a side effect of anemia so it doesn t help when you really need to eat and just don t have any interest but j and i researched it out and went to the store and he spared no expense putting things into the cart that were iron rich lots of red meat lots of dark green leafy veggies lots of o j and citrus to help the iron absorbtion and lots of cereal fortified with 100 rda of iron in just 10 days of this my iron was at 10 2 it took longer for me to really feel strong but i am now so i ve got to keep it up along with the liquid chlorophyll i ve been drinking i was ready to ask for the injectable iron the doctor spoke of but it looks like i might not need it yet anything to stay healthy i have steadily gained 2lb every 4 weeks since my initial 7wk appointment which puts me at a 6 lb weight gain so far i am showing but just not a lot picture in next post perhaps when i mention i m expecting everyone looks so shocked at how far i am to them it s all new to me but i feel healthy so i feel good for now i m going to just post pictures of little girl and to close off please stick around because as of yesterday at 2 30pm my precious husband and i are separated for another agonizing 70 days he has deployed to the middle east once more we were so distraughtand devastated those last 24 hours were hard were precious and were just heartwrenching i love him sooooooo desperately i don t know how i ll een survive to the halfway point without him we hate this it is rough so please stick around because there ll be a lot of deployment stuff to post about and i need all the support i can get at 3 00 pm 19 comments labels deployment pregnancy 2 monday july 28 2008 camping no p related stuff well here s a fun story not revolving around the pregnancy my husband and i we love outdoor adventure we love to boat hike camp scuba dive fish hunt and so on we love out of the way places for instance we honeymooned on a small island 2000 acre in the north west coast of scotland automobiles weren t even allowed on the island we were in a secluded cottage and spend hours exploring and hiking the island rowing to the ruinous castle nearby and breaking in out in the wild just loving the beauty of nature there we also spend our one year anniversary scratching the itch for a beach vacation but where did we choose why the little island of grenada of course very little tourism there by americans more by eurpean though still not a lot but an island with some beautifuly secluded beaches and a gorgeous and small nature center we stayed at more like a resort but you were left to do as you pleased and it only had about 12 rooms so very intimate our idea of a great vacation always involves doing things that are a bit rustic or uncommon possibly involving hiking through places others wouldn t venture just for that perfect sunset view or to explore some intriguing spot so this weekend we were to go to savannah just for friday saturday we were meeting up with j s brothers so they could deep sea fish all saturday while i enjoyed the beach and a good book i love to fish with him but as our last trip i was over the side throwing up the entire time and cut short the fishing part by a few hours it was deemed best by all that i not accompany them ah but guess where we stayed friday night camping primitave camping in the georgia heat so like 90 degrees and 80 humidity at night just tents sleeping bags and a spiket of water not too far it actually was pretty fun not comfortable but fun nonetheless as we lay in our tents that night i couldn t keep myself from laughing out loud for a while because the uncomfortable ness of the situation who camps in that heat oh yeah those wanting to spend only 6 on lodging at the beach right and believe me by the next morning starbucks iced chai in hand as i sat on the beach at 8 30 with my book i pretty much felt this is the life nevermind the 10 mosquito bites i d gotten breaking down camp that morning it was well worth it so that my friends was my weekend pretty glorious now just a week until we go to a real vacation house in florida for 8 days on our pre deployment get away hard to look forward to because it s the beginning of the end but i won t let that spoil the time we will savor every minute at 8 57 am 8 comments labels deployment off topic monday july 14 2008 into the 2nd trimester me this is such a huge huge milestone to me i have somehow managed to make it into my 2nd trimester it is so hard to believe i am here 10 weeks to viability i made it past the scary and miscarriage laden first trimester i did not expect that i hardly dared hope i just prayed every single day i fearfully stopped at every pain to wonder if it was a cramp or just a regular expected pain i still check for blood but i find that it s not every single time i use the bathroom that would be once an hour now which would be tedious at best and making it to the 2nd trimester has been such a boost to my heart i am very attached to this beautiful child inside me every single day when i get my doppler out i miss about one day a week i am so in wonder at finding that heart beating away i know i have nothing to do with that i didn t cause our first child s miscarriage and neither am i the one keeping this child alive it s out of my hands it s something i don t earn the right to it just happens and that leaves me grateful for every single day i call it grace beca...
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