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description=Learning to dance in the rain again to spite infertility, fibromyalgia, CFS, starting a business and various other conditions that come with being alive.;

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Text of the page (random words):
th asking about our lack of children ultimately our sex life its been more than six years at this point it just doesn t make sense to be anything but blunt i don t like questions about my husband weird right i should probably specify that it isn t general questions about him but when it comes to his deployment or our relationship status because of his deployment it annoys me to no end when women go online and carry on about their husbands being gone i understand it the first few days after they leave even the first few days after they have to go back from their r r leave but six or seven months into a year or 18 month deploy constantly and then asking for others to join them specifically asking me questions whose answers would essentially force me to join them grates on my last nerve c mon folks everyone doesn t need to know every time you talk to him or think about him or someone references his name everyone doesn t need to know period the hubbs and i do talk but not where everyone can see cause its none of their business just like if i don t know you i don t want to know about your sex life or lack thereof this is definitely not in reference to any of the if community because well what is fertility without sex right i don t want to know about your plans for him coming home or your body image as you dwell on him coming home live life geez it is a private reunion and no one needs mental pictures about what you will or will not be wearing the hubbs asked me just a little bit ago why i had cut myself off from the frg family readiness group here while he is gone and what i have written is a large part of the reason why that is i d rather not know or participate in these activities if its just gonna be a complain fest same thing with connecting through social networks online cause the majority of women who do participate pull that complaining into every aspect of the online world so my friend lists get shorter and i grow less annoyed which can only benefit me even if my social circle is limited to just a few people here there isn t a real point to this post just letting out the annoyance figured that i have this place and so i should probably use it instead of just bypassing maybe i ll be able to concentrate on my school work now leave a comment from military life random it is a new year january 10 2011 i ve sat in front of this screen for a few minutes wanting to write but not knowing exactly what to say i am listening to a song that is beautiful and really its what i need right now be still my soul there is alot of disquiet goin on inside of me not that it s anything new this year this 2011 hasn t exactly started in a great and uplifting way i admit that i am anxious about what the year will bring last year really sucked even throwing the good things that happened into the equation it doesn t balance out you know i made a resolution this year to not place any unreasonable expectations on myself i am left wondering just 10 days in what it is i can expect for myself my uncle steve died yesterday afternoon he was my favorite uncle wait not was but still is the last time we were together he was making me laugh he made me get up and dance with him in his wheelchair we stood outside to watch the 4th of july fireworks he was laughin and his carefree self lookin up into the sky he held my hand and called me little one he by no means was anywhere close to perfect but he was a good man he was a womanizer we called him bull he took care of his kids though and he never lied to the women he was with they knew what he was before they jumped in the bed or ahem where ever i think its a testament that all of his kids and baby mama s are active in our family and always welcome my cousins never had to wonder about their daddy or felt treated poorly by any member of the fam the women knew they could call on aunts uncles grandparents and cousins if they needed help with the kids softball football track birthday parties were attended by everyone it is so odd for people to imagine that my favorite uncle was so different from me i have had other uncles that were more like me and i loved them but its was a different relationship i am really going to miss him i didn t even get to say goodbye just like with my brother last year my dad and aunt are the last one s left and i am so scared that i ll not be able to say goodbye to them either my dad is sick we are waiting for them to schedule him for a kidney transplant we have been waiting for almost three years now been trying to get him transfered out here to the east coast but they have plugged up the paperwork they don t need to find a donor or anything my baby brother is a perfect match it is just waiting for the doc who can wield a knife to do the surgery what if something happens this year is it bad that i am saving as much money as possible just in case daddy dies so that i can be there for this one thing at least morbid right 1 comment from coping family that s logistics october 29 2010 today has been long my grandma who i love more than anything was at the metrotech in downtown brooklyn this morning she was there when they didn t know if this package was or wasn t a threat and it was worse than sept 11 for the simple fact that i knew she was there when sept 11 happened she worked directly across the river from the towers but her job dictated that she make home visits in those days she lived in manhattan and often started her day later than she would normally she could have been at home in the subway at work or on visits at any point that sept am today i knew she was there if it had been an active threat there would have been no getting away for her i have a far greater appreciation for ups and their that s logistics slogan today than i did yesterday leave a comment from family life making it easy october 24 2010 so i have now set up the blog here so that i can post but not actually be on the site though i am not entirely sure how that will motivate me seeing as it really isn t that big a difference to type in windows or actually on wordpress maybe me posting this is a good sign i don t know but kudos to windows live for making it easier leave a comment from random happy birthday bro october 9 2010 happy 27th birthday brother today would have been germy s birthday and i am conflicted about what the importance of a birthday is when someone has passed away it isn t really something i can put into words at least not yet what i have been thinking over lately that germy was so talented that maybe he was only supposed to be here for 26 years if it was supposed to happen though that is a pretty rough way to make the transition when i say germy was completely talented i really mean that he was he was playing first chair violin and could rock out with his band music was his hobby though food was his love which kind of surprised everyone when he said he wasn t going to school for music he at 25 became the executive chef at a small atmospheric place in missouri oh man and he could bake pastry chef was his goal in culinary school and he did make it then got something better i wrote before that i am having some issues a kind of stunted grieving this knowing that he isn t in the world being happy scares me so i tuck it away for awhile i miss you germy and i love you always the short one leave a comment from coping family rip lori october 1 2010 i don t know how many actually have heard about what happened here at ft stewart over the last week one of our unit wives lori arrowood whose husband is serving with mine in iraq went missing saturday 25 september 2010 her body was found early wednesday morning and later in the day an arrest was made she was a mother and a newlywed this october would have been their first anniversary my heart breaks for her husband and her children because the man charged was no stranger to the family he started his trip home to search for his wife and arrives stateside with the worse possible news to greet him if you are a praying person then please pray for this family and her friends our frg family readiness group and the community are very supportive but there is no possible way to even imagine how they are processing this someone i don t know who put together a kind of tribute of lori s life the past couple of years so i thought i would post it 2 comments from life a new nephew september 9 2010 i have a new nephew as of today riley paxton happy birthday lil one he was 5lbs 14oz and 19in long my brother cried when he held him my baby brother the one i taught to walk now has a baby of his own it is interesting how life works my brother germy jeremy died in march and a month later my sister gave birth to our precious azik today is 09 september six months since germy died his 27th birthday would have been a month from today my heart is joyful but it is sad too i can t even bring myself to delete his phone number from my cell i miss knowing he is alive in the world and i wish he could have seen his nephews leave a comment from family worst year ever july 9 2010 and only half way through i dread what comes next rip cousin miguel killed in florida 15 august 1979 8 july 2010 survived by his wife and 5 children 2 comments from family life hit by a truck july 8 2010 we ve all heard the saying before but i mean it quite literally a truck well an suv but i don t know anyone who doesn t call an suv a truck as i seem to begin most of my posts it has indeed been awhile since my last post i still feel odd about posting in the new space it isn t broken in i want to say its like breaking in new shoes but i love shoes and i kinda just suck up the pain of breaking them in whereas a new blog i kinda of just avoid posting in it anyway back to the truck no one in hollywood could possibly write my life not in one script i don t think they would think it completely possible that so much can happen in so short a time i read that i think oh my lord does my self centered ness know no bounds it is my blog though so really what else would i focus on right anyway back to the truck for real this time about a week and a half ago i got a phone call from my dad my grandma was hit by an suv literally she doesn t drive she was standing at the corner waiting to cross the street she was on her way to catch the bus to a birthday party of the little granddaughter of one of her friends a guy was so busy trying to text and drive that he checked the curb and didn t even realize he hit her he dragged her behind his truck for a block and a half she was standing in front of our building so thank god the tenants were outside and saw everything these people have been renting the space from us for years over 20 and so really they are like extended family one of them literally picked her up and ran her to the hospital its not the greatest hospital in the world but it is the closest another called my uncle since they all have his number because he is the emergency contact for them he lives an hour away in long island a group of them detained the driver and called the cops it helped that my uncle is a cop he s almost retired and has been teaching at the nyc police academy for the last 7 or 8 years i don t know what is going to happen with the driver i can say that i am not yet reasonably objective about what happens to him at the moment whatever time can be slapped on him i want him to get whatever punishment who knows maybe that is reasonably objective right when my dad called he asked me if i was home and if i was sitting down when he said there s been an accident my heart started racing okay let me just stop here for a second and make an observation before i continue it is relevant so it isn t really one of those rabbit trails that i am known for this whole experience has me wishing that family feuds were as easy to resolve as it is on television or in the movies or books its not that easy though my uncle subsequently his wife and my cousins has had minimal contact with our entire side of the family with the exception of my father for the last 20 years i won t air out all the dirty laundry by going into all the reasons but i will say that the separation was sustained by my uncle and aunt and then for whatever reason my cousins took up the banner i ve always been really proactive in sending cards for christmas and inviting them to our wedding anything big so that it can t be said that i perpetuated this my grandma and i had decided awhile ago that it would be a policy of politeness only its been one sided i have great memories of my uncle from when i was really young and wonderful memories that are shared with my cousins fact of the matter is that they are strangers to me now and based in actions that they have chosen to make in the recent past i don t trust them i don t trust them and neither does anyone else on this side of the family my grandma s nieces nephews brothers sisters etc yes he and my aunt were at the hospital first but i wasn t comfortable until i called my cousin and he was there as well i ve had to suck it up though and it has been alot harder than i thought it would be i am not a rude person and i am so grateful that he and my aunt are stepping up to care for her now especially since i can t be i can t afford the plane ticket my husband is deploying within a week when i got the phone call i hadn t been home an hour from the hospital oh yeah i was in the hospital for two days i had a couple few of severe infections uti bladder and kidney with everything that goes along with those and with the stress that created within my body triggered a fibro flair and a cfs flair so when my dad called and asked if i was at home and sitting down i literally had been home about 45 minutes and was just beginning a week of ordered bed rest i couldn t lay on my back or my front because of the tenderness i missed the first three of his phone calls because of all the situating that happens when one gets home from the hospital life is odd my uncle is all of a sudden making plans to come down and visit me in september i didn t tell him no no matter how much i dislike family i don t ever say no to something reasonable now i ll kick them out if they bring something i don t agree with into my home but for family my home is open if they want to come it s the way my grandma raised me like i said before i won t be the one to perpetuate separation when the issue isn t mine it s kinda throwing me off though cause he s never wanted to come he lied to me about coming to my wedding so i am not exactly holding my breath they are taking far better care of my grandmother than either one of us expected though part of it could be that the eyes of the family are all on him while he has my grandma while the estranged son makes his way into the family my father withdraws from it when he called he told me in a very matter of fact matter and then ended with well i am going back to sleep i have to go to work in the morning he didn t ask if i unders...