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Text of the page (random words):
ave even if fertility is part of your story there s hope there s always hope this entry was posted on january 8 2024 in losing baby pregnancy sad times trying again update and tagged infertility miscarriage pregnancy leave a comment the last one aug 24 i m not sure there s anyone still reading this but i ve used this blog to document our family building journey all the heartache all the joy and so i won t stop updating until my story is complete for those who stumble upon it i want to give hope that even with significant fertility issues there is the possibility of having a family a big family even i also want to acknowledge that it does not always work out that way for so many other women couples and i have not forgotten where i come from all of that to say one week ago we welcomed our newest family member he s our second boy our fifth child our first summer baby and he gave us the surprise of our life when he arrived in an unassisted homebirth the homebirth was planned the unassisted part not so much we can call him sunny on this blog if you re still here thank you if you find this blog sometime in the future know there s hope hope dies last so long friends xoxo this entry was posted on august 24 2020 in blessings sunny update and tagged 5th baby big family unassisted homebirth 1 comment popping in once more aug 24 hi friends is there anyone still reading this blog which now lives in a very quiet corner of the internet well if there is here s a quick update the baby i once coined twinkle our fourth child is now nearly fifteen months old she still doesn t have much hair just got her tenth tooth isn t walking yet babbles all the time but doesn t say many real words trying not to worry and she gets into ev ery thing she is also one of the happiest babies i ve ever known and i wish she could stay little a while longer we re kinda sorta trying to have another baby i want one desperately just one more my husband doesn t and won t agree to using clomid but has agreed to trying without the likelihood of it happening without clomid is slim so i m still hoping he ll change his mind but either way we re back on this road again and i have so many feelings about it i know it sounds like an embarrassment of riches to be asking for a 5th child i also know i m probably just begging for more heartache and disappointment i wish so many things could be different but they re not and so this is what it is we ll see what the future holds i guess i recently had my first piece published at her view from home you re a once in a lifetime friend if you re interested please read and or share i d love your support i have started blogging as my real self on a new blog living on coffee prayer i m not sure how often i ll be writing but you ll find personal essays and poetry there when the mood strikes because waiting to expand is anonymous any mention of it on the new blog will be politely deleted but i would love for you to come over and say hello and follow along if you d like if you re still here thank you i miss my old blogging friends and send love to you all this entry was posted on august 24 2019 in twinkle update 4 comments she s here jun 12 our fourth child our third daughter arrived eleven days ago isabel joycie grayce was born on june 1st at 4 53 a m in a natural hospital birth she weighed 8lbs 6oz and measured 20 5 inches long she was six days overdue covered in vernix had almost a completely bald little head and her eyes were bright and alert her sweetness was apparent instantly in every way she is perfect it s hard to accept that she is our last child i m still not sure she is though my husband adamantly disagrees but that s another story for another day today i am savoring every moment the snuggles the sleepy sighs the dreamy smiles her tiny precious weight against my chest these are the best days of my life and i am treasuring every one of them this entry was posted on june 12 2018 in blessings motherhood twinkle update 5 comments the power of love may 19 it s 4 30am here on the west coast and i am awake watching the royal wedding with the rest of the world the bishop just finished his sermon on the power of love and now stand by me is being sung by the choir and i just want to cry all the tears weddings make me cry young love and new beginnings make me cry my enduring fascination and love for the royal family makes me cry and pregnancy hormones make me cry i m a mess a mess mostly because i m just so thankful that i too get to know the power of love all good things in my life began with falling in love with my husband and now we have three children whom give us more joy and love than we ever could have imagined it s a whole new level of love a love that will be taken a step further even as we prepare to welcome baby 4 very soon i m exactly a week away from my due date and given our journey and my lifelong dream of having a large family it is incredible and surreal and magical and bittersweet and everything in between and though as ever i worry that something will happen between now and this baby s lively entrance into the world i am trusting it will all work out and i am so excited to meet this child though closing this chapter of our lives is a mixed bag of emotions this baby is the missing puzzle piece we ve been waiting for all along this baby will complete our family and in this moment i can hardly even believe this is real life it seems that no so long ago i wondered if i would ever have one or two children and now we are about to welcome our fourth a dream come true my own little fairytale i will pop in once more after the birth to give the baby stats oh and one more thing it s a girl this entry was posted on may 19 2018 in 3rd trimester love pregnancy twinkle 3 comments and so it begins again sep 20 it s been a while since i showed my face here so to speak i know i m just not sure this is the right place for me anymore most of my blogging buddies of 2012 13 have moved on thankfully every last one of them with a baby in their arms i think i miss them but am over the moon that they are not stuck in this space of infertility and loss and grief and desperation forever that s not to say everyone makes it out of this space of course but i m thankful most do however hard the journey may be all of that to say my corner of the online world is not the same without them and not the same now that i have a handful of kids instead of just one it s weird to be an infertile blogger and trying to have a baby all the while there are three children screaming mom mom mom from the next room as i write i recently searched for blogs with a writer who was in a similar situation trying to have a third or fourth or fifth baby do you know how many i found none not a single one and maybe i didn t look hard enough but clearly they are few and far between and so i don t know if i ll continue coming here maybe i will as a journal meant for me and no one else maybe i ll pop in for an update once in a purple moon but i imagine there will be a lot of silence from here on out and yet there are a few of you out there some frequent commenters and other shadow lurkers who have read and followed this blog faithfully first i say thank you and as a sign of my gratitude and devotion i ll leave you with this let me just say that it s still early i m not yet 5 weeks and i m scared but just as a blogging friend turned in real life friend warned me against earlier this week i m trying very very hard not to let my fear steal my joy away today i m pregnant and today i m utterly thankful so happy and hoping with all i ve got that in 8 9 months there will be a healthy baby in my arms and finally our family will be complete what a day that will be this entry was posted on september 20 2017 in 1st trimester bfp blessings twinkle and tagged first trimester pregnancy 12 comments i was wrong jul 8 here is what i know now i thought i had my body figured out sort of i thought that i knew what to expect sort of i believed that because lightning struck once it just might strike again i was arrogant i was cocky i really did think that baby 4 was a given and i thought that even if i didn t get pregnant with my one lucky post weaning ovulation i was at peace with taking clomid again no big deal but now as i stand here on the eve of swallowing my first clomid pill in many years i know just how wrong i was about it all this entry was posted on july 8 2017 in cd1 trying again and tagged ttc 3 comments déjà vu jun 28 it s déjà vu these blank ovulation tests the waiting and the impatience the cycle of hope and disappointment heart pounding when i take my temperature in the morning anticipating that maybe this morning it will rise fearing that this morning it will drop obsessing over fertility charts past and present searching for a reason to have hope right here right now analyzing my cervical mucous every evening having sex all the time spinning my wheels and getting nowhere déjà vu i m still waiting for my one lucky post weaning ovulation that s new i ve always ovulated on my own about three weeks after fully weaning my baby it s been almost six weeks now i had a reason to hope last week cervix was high and very soft tons of ewcm opk s were getting darker never positive and then nothing all signs disappeared a false start déjà vu anger at my body for failing me sadness that my body is so broken sadness that my one chance to do this naturally is slipping away sadness that this can t be easier that i can t be like everyone else sadness that there may be many more months ahead filled with sadness sadness that the sadness has filled me already so so much sadness déjà vu dropping to my knees in quiet prayer fighting against what almost seems inevitable now endless cycles of progesterone and clomid bracing myself for the pain for the disappointment for the frustration for much more sadness déjà vu knowing with great conviction now that i want this baby i am waiting for it s déjà vu nothing like feeling like something may be out of your reach to make you realize how desperately you want it eh déjà vu and to make you realize that if you ever get it it will be the last time definitively because you because i can t do this anymore i m ready to be done that s new too but most of it an ongoing itchy painful déjà vu and yet the hope for another kind of déjà vu one filled with positive pregnancy tests and skin stretched across a growing belly persists i will do this over and over if i have to i will live this déjà vu renewed determination hope that won t die letting go and having faith the most beautiful part of my déjà vu this entry was posted on june 28 2017 in struggling trying again worries and tagged ttc 2 comments the sacrificial lamb may 7 he loves to nurse i mean what sweet plush toddling being doesn t love to snuggle up to mama and be nourished while he tugs her hair and rests his head against her warm chest but this kid my kid loves to nurse when he sees me walking towards his bedroom where we do all of our breastfeeding these days he starts laughing and nearly skipping as he leads the way he then enthusiastically pats the chair i always sit in and hands me the boppy pillow and when he latches on his eyes roll into the back of his strawberry blond haired head and he releases the softest sigh sometimes he falls asleep sometimes he signs milk to me over and over sometimes he tugs on my hair or tries to put his finger in my ear mouth nose eye all of the above often we play a game while he drinks i ask him question after question are you happy are you funny are you special do you love me do i love you and he nods his head to each one he has started nodding before i even ask him anything and sometimes he smiles or laugh sometimes he mumbles something but he never lets go of my nipple he loves to nurse for a while i was in turmoil over the decision to wean him i didn t want to it was physically uncomfortable at best leaving me breathless and deeply painful at worst sending spasms throughout my body whenever i even thought about it i wasn t ready and he was showing no signs that he was either but you know me i ve always wanted at least one more kid and my desire to move forward with that somehow though just barely won the battle with my desire to keep nursing and so every five days i cut out another nursing or pumping session and every five days my breasts and my heart ache once again in some ways it feels like i am choosing one child over another choosing a child whose face i have never seen whose weight i have never felt against my chest choosing a child with no name a child who hasn t been born a child who hasn t even been conceived i am choosing the idea of this child this fantasy over my sweet living breathing son who gently lays his head upon our dog and laughs at everything i do my poor baby my sweet sacrificial lamb but that could just be a mix of my anxiety and my hormones talking i have been known to be a little melodramatic when those two come together either way it s times like these when i wish so hard that my body worked differently worked better and that some way i could magically fall pregnant with those elusive unicorn babies i ve read about in the dreamiest fairy tales without having to sacrifice anything at all wouldn t that be something this entry was posted on may 7 2017 in poppy trying again and tagged breastfeeding nursing weaning 5 comments one small step jan 24 a week ago i stepped into my ob gyn s office for the first time in over a year a half hour later i left with a new prescription for clomid provera and metformin it all felt so familiar it was as though i was living my life of two or five years ago except i came home to a house full of children screaming and fighting and a floor that was unseeable because of the massive field mine of toys that stretched from the front door to every corner of every bedroom and i had to ask myself can i even handle another child can i handle the constant stress and mess and lack of rest because some days it feels as though i am seriously failing some days it feels as though my head might explode if one more child whines about what is on her dinner plate or about how itchy her shirt is or about having to pick up her toys before bedtime there are days when the monotony of parenthood the barage of reminders i have to give cupcake in the morning so that she will be ready for school on time the taking of skittle s hand numerous times a day to lead her to the potty the gentle but infinite guidance i have to give poppy to keep him from unplugging every lamp in the house the meal planning the drawn out bedtime routines the toy pick up over and over and over seems overwhelming and exhausting and so often the worry that ebbs and flows over my children s health worry about everything from allergies yes lots of them to asthma probably not to mysterious fevers strep utis and yeast infections the last four of which have all made an appearance ...