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est labels burnout doctor grs hackaday life tuesday 8 may 2018 waiting game it s tempting to sit and whine incessantly about one s situation but after eight years of it and with little changing there s not much point really is there so it seems like an age since i last posted here in fact it s about two months i didn t say so back then but at that point i d had another surgical referral sent off and this is where it gets rather complex the surgeon i want is the most experienced of the uk surgeons who would have been my choice all the way through as he used to be the nhs s main surgeon he now operates privately but can see nhs patients through a contract with another nhs trust as he doesn t have his own nhs contract and the nhs trust have started being awkward about it and want their own surgeons to do the work so people aren t being referred to him my referral is unusual coming via a gender identity clinic that they don t see often and with very insistent wording so things seem to have gone slightly awry people whose referrals went in at the same time as me are now getting their dates for surgery with the trust s surgeons while i ve not heard anything that s a dense paragraph but the result is that i think i may be about to have another setback if i don t do something about it i ve been here before they stick you on the pile and forget about you for six months then tell you they can t do it not this time is all i can say so what s to be done kick up the mother of all fusses of course i feel that over eight years of this have given me the justification to be very prickly indeed so it s off on the round of ringing up and kicking butt gently but insistently where necessary and i m quite happy to turn on the muckspreader if i get bumped out of the system again i shouldn t have to do this stuff but nobody else is going to fight my corner for me pain in the arse isn t it getting out there at maker faire uk in newcastle meanwhile life goes on april was spent on the road for hackaday a fantastic conference in dublin followed by a round of smaller events and finally working a show up in newcastle there was a time when the gender psychs asked for evidence of your being out in the world well i think standing up in front of several hundred people and talking about microphones probably qualifies flying overseas was a first since transition for me too all of that plus the referral stuff has left its mark though i ve been increasingly burned out since the beginning of the year so i m on a couple of weeks holiday not writing and trying to get my sleep patterns back i started this blog years ago when i was sitting unable to sleep in the small hours it seems as though i ve come full circle the summer looks promising a couple of hacker camps to go to plus all the usual highjinks if all goes well i plan to have the surgery in october but who knows whether that ll turn out one thing s definite though this won t become one of those minute by minute surgery blogs that you get from enthusiastic speed transitioners who don t appreciate the meaning of the word triggery blogging was a thing back when i stumbled fro the closet it may not be so much of one now but i still like writing as a format posted by jenny at 12 05 2 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels doctor grs life surgery wednesday 7 march 2018 emdr here we are in march then after a weekend during which we had unseasonal snowfall over the british isles today had a real air of spring i even saw some bees having a go at our winter blossom bush i last wrote here in december and that s an unusually long gap for me it s not been an easy two months and i ve been firefighting to keep my work going the last eight years have taken a significant psychological toll on me and facing up to some past traumas from school and other moments in earlier life has come together with the huge stress of a complete loss of trust in the ever changing field of what is possible in my medical pathway to leave me in a bit of a state i have a couple of things today i didn t have a couple of weeks ago though first i have a proper undisputed referral for surgery and second i ve started therapy for all that trauma and psychological toll i was talking about i ll believe the surgery is real when i wake up from the anaesthesia and they finally can t take it away from me but the therapy has been a very tangible thing that has already had an effect emdr or eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing is a technique for locking away trauma that works under the assumption that the things coming back to bother you haven t been processed by the brain in the way most memories are as i understand it rem sleep allows us to put away the happenings of the day into long term storage if you will and sometimes that process is not effective and these memories hang around to plague us emdr tries to replicate this eye movement while guiding you through some of the trauma the idea being that it does the same filing task does it work far too early to tell it s quite intense and upsetting i went to a school which i would not send my children too but that some parents would sell granny to get little tarquin into i didn t choose it my mother pushed all of us into scholarships at academic hothouse schools and i was the outsider at every point nobody gives a crap about the psychological scars of a shit time at one of the so called best schools unless someone pulled their knob out at you so the huge number of people like me with problems in later life that didn t involve anything like that are left hanging there are support groups for people who went to boarding schools but in my case i fall through the cracks as a day school pupil as you can imagine bringing all that kind of stuff up is difficult you are warned that it ll affect you for a few days afterwards and it s true i ve not been in a good place at all over the last few months but the last few days since the therapy have been a bit grim i know it would be a hell of a lot worse with testosterone i have always said i hated the aggression that came with being a bloke so there we are slow tired beset by trauma it will get better this is part of the therapy as to the surgery when that comes is anyone s guess i ve given up within the year seem likely though and that can only be a good thing posted by jenny at 00 04 4 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels counselling gic school surgery therapy tuesday 26 december 2017 the camera never lies i bought a new phone a few weeks ago for my business its main purpose will be to provide a work email terminal and a wireless hotspot fitted as it is with a sim carrying a generous data allowance it s a chinese phone not simply made there but from one of the well known chinese domestic brands and it s a high quality piece of kit as you d expect these days it s a reasonably vanilla android without the cumbersome overlays that dogged phones a few years ago it has a decent enough camera and it is this that has provided a surprise it has a beauty mode for selfies and it makes a few tweaks in its software evening out skin tones and blemishes enlarging the eyes very slightly placing a highlight in the hair and reducing the chin a bit it lies in other words so i ve been playing with it and even though i know it s lying it s a rather useful aid to someone with a nagging feeling that they still look you know a little bit blokey it takes a decade or more from my age and manages to make me look acceptably enough feminine in my presentation to warm the old cockles of the heart or something i know hrt has filled out my face and given me lips because i can see it when comparing with past photos but as we all know only we know what the bloke looked like in the mirror and we can all see him sometimes looking back at us we trans people have a complex relationship with our own image and a lot of us never manage to quite come to terms with it i ve had friends who ve opted for ffs when they looked fine and returned looking frightful just to lose his shadow but my reaction has never been that extreme it is however nice to see something of the girl in the mirror without the aid of the phone and then to barely see him at all in the beauty mode enhanced version i am no looker and i am not fishing for compliments this is merely to express my pleasure at reaching a milestone of the mind if the camera is supposed to lie then i m happy to have found one that does posted by jenny at 01 02 10 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels passing photos transition older posts home subscribe to posts atom about jenny 101 lack of a comment policy blog archive 2023 1 november 1 finaly doing something good with my life 2021 1 october 1 2020 2 june 2 2019 1 march 1 2018 4 october 1 september 1 may 1 march 1 2017 16 december 1 november 1 october 1 august 1 june 1 may 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