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ing to happen i m still spending slowly we have no cupboards in this house and its a long expensive slow project of buying suitable furniture cupboards that work in this house and storage solutions the location has benefits and pitfalls we are halfway between three towns but we are 40 minutes drive from anywhere shane is happy enough and the boss is happy with him i can relax a little there i m feeling more settled and i m very gradually sorting through the unorganised tumble that had become our life it will take a long time but most days i see progress and i m not so often overwhelmed it s tough though with the blessing that is a rambunctious little boy who is a handful god bless him but then there s been the whole ivf stuff trying to start in april when toby turned one but delay after delay my thyroid issues meant being referred to an endo which took months to get into then waiting for the meds to start to kick in and then we finally started and joy of joys fell pregnant with number four straight away a little girl did i tell you that thank you universe for the tease not that i want a girl any more than a boy but how sweet to know what could have been i opted for a d c it never sat well i am one to believe that my body knows best it went well but i m still paying the price after two births and a previous miscarriage my body snaps back 6 weeks post partum this time it s all over the shop never mind it was the best decision at the time and i would probably do it again the genetic testing results came back via our fs and i was very upset she writes a shocking letter and she apologised for it her letter read that the tissue tested may have been mine as it was xx and what the chromosome issues were balanced translocations but that they could make up a normal person for twenty four hours i cried because i thought i had just been told i was a freak seriously i didn t tell shane for hours because i was so embarrassed and shattered because it felt like our child rens deaths were my fault we already know that what happened with ciaran came from my side but this was too much the next morning i rang the geneticist at the big city hospital who has the family case she shrugged it off but eased my mind by saying it sounded like a straightforward incompatible with life translocation we had subsequent genetic testing and we are both perfect in the genetic sense but the thing is that tease of a pregnancy has put me in a worse place it s three months since the procedure but in so many ways i feel worse than i have in years it s different to losing ciaran obviously but it has brought a lot of bitterness to the surface i m angry about it but i m not sure who or what at so it s hard to get out i struggle more with depression now than i did then and i think i m moving forward closer to ads not that there is anything wrong with them but so far they haven t been for me i still need to be sure we have completed our family though for my own peace if mind so there s the million dollar question i m not ready to accept that toby won t have a sibling he needs someone to play and fight with it doesn t sit well for me but then i m at the stage of not knowing when to stop it will most probably not be a choice suddenly with the burden of our latest loss and the delays along the way i m feeling my age i m weary of loss i m weary of grief but there is no rest from the burden i m 42 in 6 weeks or so it s suddenly starting to hit me the extra challenges that come with having babies or trying at this age it adds more weight to what i carry and speaking of weight tanks to the extra dollop of depression along with a side of prednisone to fight off the natural killer cells while i m cycling under ivf i ve stacked it on seriously and rather tan being spurred on to do something about it it depresses me even more we used our last embaby before christmas but to no avail my body went all out of whack and i didn t hold much hope for it anyway as it was from our first stim cycle rather than toby s i didnt talk about it not to anyone irl or on my blog i m past the public stage on that i need to deal with the disappointments or even excitements myself now before i cone clean and its just not something that needs to be discussed anyway i had my ovarian reserve tested and the number came back as fair to good for my age we will meet with the fs to discuss what she thinks we are so much older than our last stim cycle but the big question is money we re all but out it will be scratching and scrimping to try again and possibly not even a choice but we will see what the fs says before i stress about finding the dollars or not christmas was ok enjoyable i m a bit precious as i said and need some space but not too much it s a fine line toby was spoiled rotten and we got a lot of enjoyment from his enjoyment he was one of the three wise men at the carols by candlelight and melted my heart in his get up santa was way too good again but i can t help but think tat there is another little boy who i can t buy for and that makes me angry new year was quiet sleeping actually what happened and when did i get old posted by bir at 5 14 am 1 comment email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest sunday december 9 2012 this kid this kid he drives me insane cracks me up and amazes me all in one let me tell you we have pretty much no cupboards here imagine it it ll give you grey hairs now put a much loved and known blessing toddler in the equation who grows an inch a day and has go go gadget arms today he discovered he can get into two new drawers that have bits and pieces in them that desperately need a clean out but i struggle to know where to put the pieces so my girls hammer screws and nails that kinda stuff and no easy way to lock off the drawers but five steps behind his daddy today he went to the drawer took out a tape measure just like his daddy came and measured the coffee table just like his daddy just did the look of earnest and concentration priceless as they say ten minutes later he was skipping his way around the dining room skipping well it took me a little while to work it out but this week at music we skipped mummy skipped oh what a sight an toby held my hand and was dragged along and now three days later he skips melt my heart i miss my four year old and the things he might be doing posted by bir at 4 37 am 2 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest older posts home subscribe to posts atom about me on september 30th 2008 my life changed forever with the birth of our son ciaran he was born to the angels shortly after he will forever remain my heart my soul my first reason for being our pursuit to parent a sibling for ciaran was difficult to say the least with our second pregnancy ending in miscarriage and a journey through the world of art thanks to unexplained secondary infertility our precious toby arrived april 5th 2011 this blog is the continued story life parenting a child on earth when all you know is the difficulties of parenting an angel if you would like to read more about our early days before toby blessed our lives please contact me at bir_mrr gmail com for access to all the little ponies followers blog archive 2013 6 august 2 the incompetent mother at the pointy end april 2 march 1 january 1 2012 22 december 1 november 2 october 1 september 4 august 1 july 2 may 2 april 2 march 3 february 2 january 2 2011 72 december 7 november 1 october 1 september 5 august 12 july 12 june 4 may 21 april 9 popular posts the incompetent mother i ve never been rolling in self confidence but i m sure we all agree that baby loss is a killer for any that you might have confi on miracles and us apparently they happen should i just say it i can t hide it in real life much longer people are already recognising that there wil is it what you thought it would be i ve had a few versions of this question since toby was born i can t say it s always welcome but only one of the examples i m gutted 8 weeks 4 days loss shattered i don t know how else to summarise i was planning to be making an announcement soon one of those ones that re at the pointy end firstly i m thinking about ending this blog once baby comes along i don t publish here much any more i don t think anyone r the politically incorrect thoughts of a blm let me say that consciously i absolutely would never ever ever wish the pain of baby or child loss on anyone not my worst enemy from t this kid this kid he drives me insane cracks me up and amazes me all in one let me tell you we have pretty much no cupboards here imagine i see dead well babies or baby but i actually stopped myself typing that entirely as my heading because seriously have you noticed that as b i just don t know where to start really it s just an update post because its been so long and its christmas and its the beginning of a new the switching point baby loss is a major turning point but sometimes its just the little things that might barely be noticed one of those little things is my blog list living locurto mickey ghoulish beignets at disney world 5 days ago four of a kind no suspicious change 1 week ago are you kidding me wow 2 weeks ago a piece of the pearsons when did christmas become so sad 9 months ago moments of pause one week later a rambling mess 1 year ago enjoying the small things 2024 stocking stuffer guide for kids tweens teens 1 year ago coffeeshop free ps pse actions i am alive 3 years ago by the brooke 2022 year in review 3 years ago cullen s blessings gratitude 4 years ago by the pricking of my thumbs something wicked this way comes decorating ideas for living room with fireplace and tv 5 years ago when hello means good bye happy 6th birthday jovie 6 years ago the unmother the next steps 6 years ago my lady of the lantern 19102019 6 years ago a fifth season a year and then some 7 years ago my life after loss rescued no 7 years ago finding my new normal kids in coffee shops yes or no 8 years ago sunshine in a blue cup the funny thing about grief 8 years ago for your tears mother s day 8 years ago waiting for happy every child deserves a mother 8 years ago carlymarie project heal the mother hearts project 2018 8 years ago sue ella signature designs sunset and retirment for jason my jeweller 8 years ago one perfect rose the yellow booties 9 years ago riding the ivf roller coaster endless 9 years ago lazy seamstress shed love 9 years ago a mothers love full circle 8 and infinity 9 years ago through my mothers eyes vayden s story who would you be 9 years ago braving ivf r turns 1 9 years ago jeanna s motherhood journey emma jean 5 months 10 years ago between the snow and the huge roses books 10 years ago glow in the woods i want to tell them 10 years ago a happy girl currently 10 years ago nicholas touch strength and my why 10 years ago burble update 10 years ago another cherry pretty please raw truth revisited 10 years ago cradles and graves happy birthday 10 years ago becoming maggie s story 10 years ago misfit mrs omg wheretf have i been 10 years ago woman anyone naomi and ely s no kiss list 2015 10 years ago the klopp quads end of summer and new beginnings 11 years ago pundelina kafoops lives here dcis fibromyalgia radiotherapy part 2 11 years ago inadequate disciple discord among brothers standing for the life of the unborn 11 years ago one year down two years left to try for one more hello 11 years ago aidan baby of mine the girl who lived turns four 11 years ago all in one basket pride and consequentialism 11 years ago i am me cara membuat keripik pare lezat 11 years ago mourning s light spring again goodbye again 11 years ago our lives forever changed further on down the road 11 years ago sami s blog life today 11 years ago letters to noah another surgery 11 years ago almost all the truth listen word for the new year 11 years ago life after addison addison s 4th birthday 11 years ago living without brenna and then there were two 11 years ago lori does maryland five years was yesterday timehop tells me so 11 years ago this everyday love it s been 6 years 11 years ago mourning out loud happy birthday bud 11 years ago still hopeful happy halloween 11 years ago beyond the wallpaper the purge anarchy 2014 12 years ago j and k still here 12 years ago tuesday s hope six on a tuesday 12 years ago still life with circles right where i am five years and almost seven months 12 years ago teddy bear tins website is back up 12 years ago dear stevie good golly 12 years ago until i get there himalaya herbal healthcare neem pomegranate extract supports healthy review 12 years ago inanna journey return to zero 12 years ago harveys world remember to breathe welcome to my blog 12 years ago lily s mommy forever after all this time 12 years ago spacebook stepping back in time 12 years ago cylas mychal toineeta growing up 12 years ago broken heart diaries back here again 12 years ago awful but functioning birth day vii 12 years ago heart heal hope listen run 12 years ago reflections of a butterfly 12 years ago alex s adventures farewell my friends 12 years ago with an angel on my shoulder word of the year 2014 12 years ago jasper forever our first born poppy 12 years ago darling i do 3 12 years ago my world fall 12 years ago once a mother five years 13 years ago rainbow after the storm partners link s post 13 years ago starfishkittydreams she s here 13 years ago freyja ione kees henry shelby found a treasure 13 years ago inspired by jacob 3 years 13 years ago almost a mother lfca 13 years ago planting a pumpkin patch one pling errr make that 13 month ling no wait 14 month ling for three more days and now she s 15 months 13 years ago a garden for butterflies 13 years ago daily amos you want a physicist to speak at your funeral 13 years ago so much for simple and easy as we predicted 13 years ago patches the bear patches the bear on facebook 13 years ago momentum rollercoaster week 13 years ago watching geordie life the return of newcastle daily photo 13 years ago hope interrupted baby it s cold outside 12 12 12 13 years ago she s come undone a year of change 13 years ago after matilda 3 13 years ago hope4joy the never ever ever ending tantrum 13 years ago opus angara 14 years ago elm city mom 4 years later 14 years ago only a whisper four years on a ritual complete 14 years ago cowgirls don t cry its been awhile 14 years ago la la land anti pity party poem 14 years ago conceive this is this thing on 14 years ago a rainbow on the horizon almost there 36 38 weeks 14 years ago elm city dad new post about silas on glow in the woods 14 years ago a little blog about the big infertility and adoption too 14 years ago missing juanito it s been awhile 14 years ago the path to atc background swap 14 years ago busy hands encounters 14 years ago living without sophia and ellie happy 3rd birthday sophia and ellie 14 years ago butterflies and kittens a new creative blog venture 14 years ago safe in this house 14 years ...