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good times and bad i had no idea exactly how important this would become to me i don t plan to delete this blog i ll never forget what i went through to get where i am and i don t ever want to forget i d like to think that my experiences could help educate or inspire others who are beginning their journey maybe it will be a source of hope or at the very least another voice saying you are not alone so it s graduation day i m moving on to the next phase of my life motherhood who knows what else is in store and i hope you ll join me for chapter two with love from kristen at 7 07 pm 80 comments thursday august 21 2008 riding the learning curve i can t believe nate will be four weeks old on saturday if my pregnancy seemed to fly by parenthood travels at the speed of light i already look at him with a glimmer of tears for how much he has grown and changed in the short number of days i ve known him he continues to amaze me and make me feel things and realize things i never recognized or acknowledged before every millisecond of my existence is monopolized by this tiny little guy i m not complaining this is more of an explanation for my 2 5 week absence and an honest admission that the responsibility to fulfill someone s each and every desire and need is well a bit overwhelming at times nate has proven to be quite the clingy baby so i can rarely put him down without protest holding him and staring at him will never get old but i am also finding it hard to bathe eat pee or get much of anything else done including my blog writing a true momma s boy he prefers to cuddle with me so dh can only handle him in short spurts i wonder how on earth i will ever work from home with him but we ll save that for another post i feel so guilty letting him cry while i do things for myself it breaks my heart to hear him wail and i know happy mommy happy baby but it s hard to be happy when your baby is crying for you and you are too busy taking a shower or brushing your teeth to respond quickly sadly the babymoon period of my last post only lasted a short while and reality has long set in i have to admit the past few weeks have been quite challenging so challenging in fact that i have often thought to myself what have you done there have been numerous times i ve felt like a failure at this whole mommy thing an imposter as if i m desperately trying to be something i m just not cut out to be but then we survive we make it through to the next day and i gain more confidence in what we can accomplish i realize we are still getting to know one another we ve been thrust into living together and we have to adjust to each other s quirks and habits we re still on that learning curve without further ado here are some nuggets of wisdom i ve learned as a newbie mom 1 witching hour colic before i was a mom i had no idea that it was both normal and common for newborns to receive a bat call to scream like a banshee for no apparent reason at the same time each night every night from 8pm to 11pm nate becomes inconsolable he s been fed sometimes overfed to the point of spitting up copious amounts of breastmilk changed swaddled given gripe water given a paci if he ll take it rocked bounced sung to played with held with all the lights turned low you name it we ve tried it with minimal success the only thing that has worked consistently is carrying him in this until he passes out i m not sure if it is colic or if it is the witching hour that babies use to test their frazzled sleep deprived parents whatever it is it certainly makes me feel useless i always believed that mothers had this intuitive sense to be able to soothe their children i am living proof that is not always true i remain hopeful that this will improve in time 2 breastfeeding breastfeeding has been going fabulously overall i can only say that after i learned a hard lesson about cluster feeding around 2 weeks nate went through a growth spurt where he was on the boob literally all night long from 7pm to midnight which just happened to fall during the witching hour so we hit the jackpot of suck if i took the boob away pervasive screaming ensued from nate s mouth and my mind i broke down and sobbed wondering if my supply was low and debating whether i should supplement with those tempting formula samples the hospital provided sensing my frustration nate continued to fuss and scream to the point that his head resembled a beefsteak tomato i could see the veins in his scalp pulsating i was afraid he might burst a blood vessel in his face i scoured the internet for tips and came upon this site what a lifesaver i found out the problem didn t lay with me and the screaming fits were normal it makes it a bit difficult to leave the rocking chair when he gets like this but at least i don t have to question myself this too shall pass it s all about management i have dh fix dinner in the evenings while i devote my body to nate s will it s our new routine 3 acid reflux nate also seems to have acid reflux which is another common ailment in newborns i thought breastfed babies didn t spit up as much as formula fed babies but nate seems to defy the odds poor thing spits up after almost every feed i ve tried offering just one breast at a feed but thereby feeding more often and keeping him upright for 30 minutes after every feed but he still seems to spit up regardless my new body fragrance is sour milk but he doesn t seem to be bothered too much by it so i take it in stride he s what they call a happy spitter for the most part the pediatrician assures us that as his esophageal sphincter matures the reflux will fade i am hoping to avoid medication but still keep him comfy 4 hiccups and i thought he got them a lot in the womb he gets a bout of hiccups at least 2 3 times per day nothing to worry about but if he gets them after a feed it seems to trigger the reflux the gripe water really seems to help with any discomfort he does have as a result 5 nakedness you know those commercials where the baby is naked and smiling and cooing while a model mom rubs baby oil on its bottom yeah well not in this house nate can t stand to have his diaper changed or to be bathed i ve tried to make it more enjoyable for him by singing or talking him through it but he ll have none of it ever since his stump fell off at 10 days old we ve tried to make bathtime a fun experience he would rather sit in his mustardy seedy poop than have a wipe or washcloth placed on his buttcheek guess its a boy thing 6 mom s physical recovery physically i m doing much better down there but it was a struggle to get here the recovery from the tears was worse than i thought it would be it was 2 5 weeks postpartum before i felt somewhat normal again and could finally pee without the dermoplast and pooping well let s just say that if i go once a week it s reason to celebrate i know part of it is hormones but colace and milk of magnesia can t even make a dent in it on a good note i ve lost 30 lbs of my total 48 lb weight gain so i only have 18 to go i ve started taking nate on daily jaunts in the park with the stroller and the ergo so i m hoping that will help me shed the rest of the flab 7 mom s emotional recovery emotionally i m doing okay i find that i m wishy washy for lack of a better word i have shed many a tear missing my pregnancy missing feeling him move inside of me i d be lying if i said i didn t miss the excitement of my growing bump the showers the anticipation of his arrival i look at my belly just a small pooch and see the linea negra that serves as the only reminder of how large i once was i rub it and feel sad that it is no longer taut and round i spent so much of my pregnancy worrying about loss and i regret not being more carefree and cherishing that time but yet i love him so much and i am so thankful to have him here safe and sound i cry just looking at him knowing he is mine perhaps i have a touch of the baby blues but i m sure it is another thing to blame on the damn hormones yes being a mommy is a tough job maybe harder than i initially believed but without these struggles i wouldn t have the vast reward of having my baby stare back at me or watching him laugh and smile in his sleep i find new reasons to fall in love all over again no question he was definitely worth the wait with love from kristen at 5 28 pm 15 comments sunday august 03 2008 birth story as promised here is the long awaited birth story of our baby nate i m sorry it took so long but i wanted to leave no detail uncovered so here goes i guess it all started on thursday night rob and i went to walmart to get an exercise ball for me to roll around on while we watch tv we thought it would help with some of the back pain i was having and since i was still having breathing trouble from a little 7 lb butt in my rib cage we thought it might also help move our baby boy down a bit more into my pelvis i rocked on the ball for about 20 minutes on thursday night and had some bh contractions afterward painless but consistently 8 minutes apart then 15 minutes apart until they petered out during the night i had a few contractions that were painful enough to wake me from sleeping but those also went away leaving me with a sore tummy and zombie like appearance i went to work on friday business as usual i felt okay aside from a few bh near the end of the work day around 4pm i noticed i had lost my mucus plug i had lost some tiny pieces over the past few weeks but this time there was no mistaking that it was the real thing i got pretty excited and thought that maybe labor would be coming in the next week or so little did i know it would start just an hour later labor began about 5pm friday while driving home from work i was timing the contractions to be about 15 minutes apart and manageable by 6pm they were up to 7 10 minutes apart and were getting a bit more uncomfortable rob called me on his way home from work and we were able to hold a conversation through the contractions so we decided to keep timing them and see if they got any closer together or more painful before calling the doctor they progressed to 5 minutes apart by 9 10pm and i had to now breathe through them it was hard to focus on anything else when they hit we called the ob and he said to wait until they were 3 minutes apart and call back at 11pm they were 4 minutes apart and i was really struggling some of the contractions made me cry because they hurt so badly after another call to the ob we finally got the green light to head to the hospital on the way the contractions creeped up to 3 minutes apart and rob had to hold my hand through the majority of them i questioned whether this was false labor and told him if it was there was no way i could handle the real thing we arrived at triage a little after midnight they performed an internal and i was already at 6cm so definitely not false labor as i foolishly suspected i couldn t believe i had made it that far all on my own at home they ordered my epidural and admitted me to l d we were having a baby and soon i was wheeled into l d for my iv and labwork the iv was quite tricky and i had to get stuck 3 or 4 times before finding a good vein just when we thought it was in i started swelling in my arm the iv had infiltrated so i had to get stuck yet again fun times in the meantime my bloodwork showed my platelets were low 72 so they told me an epidural was not an option my platelets had to be at least 80 i just about had a breakdown i had only a few hours of sleep in the last 48 hours and was afraid i wouldn t have the energy to push at all much less au naturale even though i said i didn t want it in my birth plan i asked for stadol to take the edge off at this point contractions were back to back and while i was getting through without screaming or moaning it was very very hard i had my mom and rob breathe with me and i visualized my son moving down the birth canal with each contraction i got the stadol around 230am and was able to get a half hour or so of sleep the anxiety and anticipation were just too much although i could still feel the pain of the contractions it did make me loopy enough to pass out in small intervals they performed another lab on me to determine my clotting time which i passed so they allowed me to get the epidural around 4am heaven i could feel the contractions but they weren t painful at all i just felt pressure at the time of the epidural i was 8cm the doc told me we d have our baby boy sometime that morning but to get some sleep in the meantime around 7am they came in to check me again and i was fully dilated and ready to push my contractions slowed to every 3 4 minutes but were lasting for about 1 5 2 minutes each we decided to give it a try without pitocin and take advantage of resting in between the pushes after pushing for nearly 2 hours and a nasty 2nd degree tear nathaniel robert was born at 8 58am on july 26 2008 at 38 weeks 2 days gestation he was 7 lbs 11 ounces and 19 inches long i was surprised he was so big this early since rob was 6 lbs 5 ounces at birth and i was 7 lbs 5 ounces at birth but he was perfectly healthy he scored 9 9 on his apgars and was working on securing his horror movie acting career by showcasing his strong lungs i will never forget the sound of his first cry i just broke down in tears i had never heard a more beautiful sound in the world and when they placed him on my chest all bloody and mucousy i just stared in awe i couldn t believe that rob and i created this little life there were just so many emotions floating around in the air i delivered the placenta and got stitched up while family got to meet him for the first time it was so surreal that i had just given birth to my son and it still feels that way 8 days later i wasn t sure how rob would handle the delivery but he was a pro he was the greatest coach pushed me when i was losing motivation but at the same time comforted me in all of my angst anxiety and excitement he was all up in my bidness through the entire pushing process and now says he has a whole new respect for me and for women in general he says it was an experience he will never forget and not for a second does he wish he didn t have the front row seat he even got me a card in the hospital telling me how proud and amazed he is at how well i handled myself during the birth of our son he has been a doting husband and father and i think i ve fallen in love with him all over again i m not sure if it is a babymoon phase or what but we ve taken to parenting like ducks to water we love our new life of poop pee breastmilk spit up and crying not that it is easy don t get me wrong i m more exhausted than i ve ever been in my entire life i can t remember the last time i shaved my legs or blow dried my hair time seems to vaporize these days it s just that we ve always been up for the challenge and now that it is here we welcome it with open arms how could i complain i am still sore from the tear i tore up near my urethra as we...